“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Laughter is free therapy. These quotes are here to make you smile, snort, or genuinely laugh out loud. They cover the absurdity of life, the comedy of human nature, and the particular genius of people who can make a serious point while being hilarious.
“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”
“Twitter, to me, works if you're funny. Twitter doesn't work as a promotional tool unless you do it very, very, very occasionally.”
“No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.”
“I'm like, bursting. I should be working. I don't want to take a break. It's funny, on set, I don't have to go to the bathroom, I don't have anything wrong, I'm perfectly fine, so through-and-through. I'm not hungry. I'm literally not even in my own body.”
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
“Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny.”
“I grew up in a funny way.”
“You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.”
“Be obscure clearly.”
“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”
“Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.”