“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”
Age
“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”
ComputersAll Quotes by Dave Barry
“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
Men“Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.”
Teen“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”
Cool“It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”
Art“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Time“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
Religion“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”
Religion“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”
Relationship“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”
War“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”
Car“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”
Travel“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”
Trust“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”
Funny“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
Car“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”
Car“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
Life“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”
Sports“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
Patriotism“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”
Science