“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”
Fear
“The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.”
AgeAll Quotes by Dave Barry
“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
Food“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
Men“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”
Funny“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”
Car“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Time“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”
War“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”
Death“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”
Travel“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
Life“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”
Science“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”
Business“It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”
Art“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
Patriotism“Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.”
Relationship“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”
Communication“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”
Sports“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
Religion“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
Death“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”
Sad