“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.”
Age
“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
FoodAll Quotes by Dave Barry
“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”
Patriotism“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”
Car“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”
Computers“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”
Communication“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”
Time“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”
Trust“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.”
Death“Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.”
Business“Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.”
Car“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”
Saintpatricksday“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
Men“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”
Computers“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”
Teen“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”
Cool“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”
Food“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”
War“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”
Car“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”
Good“It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.”
Art