“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”
Good
“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
CommunicationAll Quotes by George Carlin
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
Funny“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”
Future“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”
Life“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
Christmas“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
Death“If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”
Alone“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
Travel“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
Communication“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
Funny“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”
Pet“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
Good“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
Family“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
Freedom“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”
Time“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
Funny“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
Death“Religion is just mind control.”
Religion“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
Money“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
Time