“There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.”
Future
“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
FunnyAll Quotes by George Carlin
“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”
Work“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
Freedom“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
Funny“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
Funny“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
Funny“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
Christmas“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
Money“When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.”
Life“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.”
Pet“Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.”
Good“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
Death“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”
Time“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
Funny“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”
Family“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
Death“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”
Communication“I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”
Time“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
Death“What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?”
Travel