“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Funny
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
CarAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
Medical“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
Women“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
Love“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Funny“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Great“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”
Women“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
Respect“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”
Business