“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
MarriageAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
Medical“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Great“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”
Business“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
Age“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Funny“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
Women“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Car