“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
DatingAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Great“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
Respect“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
Age“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Car“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”
Women“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”
Business“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”
Humor“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Funny