Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner

26 quotes

Comedian and wordsmith — Rita Rudner (b. 1953) is an American voice whose observations cut across disciplines. Whether reflecting on Marriage or Women, Rita Rudner brought uncommon clarity to every subject. Our collection holds 35 quotes from Rita Rudner, each offering a different angle on Marriage, Women, Funny, Pet, and Men. Start here and see if you agree: "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

All Quotes by Rita Rudner

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

— Rita Rudner

Men

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

Dating

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

— Rita Rudner

Age

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

— Rita Rudner

Parenting

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

Great

“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”

— Rita Rudner

Money

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

Respect

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

Medical

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

War

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

Love

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

— Rita Rudner

Humor

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

Great

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

— Rita Rudner

Marriage

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

— Rita Rudner

Women