“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating
“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
AgeAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”
Business“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
Age“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
Women“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
Women“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Funny“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Car“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”
Women“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great