“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men
“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
MoneyAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
Medical“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
Respect“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
Women“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Great“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Car“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Funny“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”
Humor“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Funny“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
Love