“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”
Men
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
PetAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
Age“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Funny“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
Respect“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
Women“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
Medical“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
Love“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”
Humor“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
Great“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
Women“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Funny“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
Marriage“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women