Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner

26 quotes

Comedian and wordsmith — Rita Rudner (b. 1953) is an American voice whose observations cut across disciplines. Whether reflecting on Marriage or Women, Rita Rudner brought uncommon clarity to every subject. Our collection holds 35 quotes from Rita Rudner, each offering a different angle on Marriage, Women, Funny, Pet, and Men. Start here and see if you agree: "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

Car

All Quotes by Rita Rudner

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”

— Rita Rudner

Money

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

Marriage

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

Medical

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

— Rita Rudner

Men

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

Marriage

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

Great

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

Love

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

Dating

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

Great

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

War

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

— Rita Rudner

Marriage

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

Respect

“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

— Rita Rudner

Business