Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner

26 quotes

Comedian and wordsmith — Rita Rudner (b. 1953) is an American voice whose observations cut across disciplines. Whether reflecting on Marriage or Women, Rita Rudner brought uncommon clarity to every subject. Our collection holds 35 quotes from Rita Rudner, each offering a different angle on Marriage, Women, Funny, Pet, and Men. Start here and see if you agree: "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

All Quotes by Rita Rudner

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

Respect

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

Love

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

— Rita Rudner

Age

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

Marriage

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

War

“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

— Rita Rudner

Business

“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”

— Rita Rudner

Pet

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

Medical

“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

— Rita Rudner

Humor

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

Dating

“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

Great

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

Funny

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

— Rita Rudner

Parenting

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

— Rita Rudner

Car

“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

— Rita Rudner

Women

“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”

— Rita Rudner

Money