“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”
Respect
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Rita Rudner
“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”
Love“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
Age“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Funny“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
Pet“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
Marriage“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.”
War“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
Women“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”
Business“We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.”
Pet“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
Medical“There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”
Humor“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.”
Dating“I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.”
Great“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”
Women“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Funny“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
Parenting“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”
Car“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
Women“My Vegas act is how I make my money.”
Money