“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Time
“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
LifeAll Quotes by Groucho Marx
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
Humor“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
Beauty“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
Intelligence“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Time“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Power“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
Life“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
Morning“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Medical“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
Women“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
Life“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Age“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Medical“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Funny“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
Art“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Funny“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
Time“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
Good“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
Time“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Funny