“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Time
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Groucho Marx
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
Wedding“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Medical“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Age“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
Art“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Funny“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
Morning“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
Time“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Medical“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
Good“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Relationship“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
Women“Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.”
Marriage“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
Music“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
Time“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
Art“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
Marriage“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.”
Intelligence“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
Life“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Funny