“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Time
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Groucho Marx
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Funny“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
Humor“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
Good“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
Best“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
Time“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Power“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
Wedding“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
Life“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Age“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
Beauty“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
Life“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Funny“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
Morning“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Funny“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
Women“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Relationship“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
Funny“Humor is reason gone mad.”
Humor“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Medical