“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
Time
“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
TimeAll Quotes by Groucho Marx
“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Relationship“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
Time“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Time“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.”
Good“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
Morning“All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.”
Funny“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
Art“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Medical“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.”
Music“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
Art“Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”
Life“Humor is reason gone mad.”
Humor“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Funny“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Age“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”
Funny“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”
Life“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
Wedding“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Power“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Time