“I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Medical
“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
TimeAll Quotes by Groucho Marx
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.”
Age“Women should be obscene and not heard.”
Women“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”
Time“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
Relationship“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”
Beauty“Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.”
Art“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”
Wedding“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”
Time“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”
Humor“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”
Funny“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”
Time“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”
Art“Humor is reason gone mad.”
Humor“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”
Morning“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Funny“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”
Medical“The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.”
Life“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
Power“I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.”
Good