“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
TimeAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
Time“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Life“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny