“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good
“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
TimeAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Life“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
God“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
Car“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Poetry“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny