“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good
“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
TimeAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
Car“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Humor“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
Funny“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
God“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science