“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
TimeAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Car“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Humor“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
Power“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Life“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal