“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny
“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
MoneyAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Car“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
Funny“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Humor“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car