“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
CarAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Humor“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Car“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Poetry“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
Power“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
Funny“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“How young can you die of old age?”
Age