“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time
“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
CarAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Life“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Poetry“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny