“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
PetAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
Time“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
Funny“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
Car“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
God