“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
Poetry
“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
PowerAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”
Pet“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”
Car“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
Time“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
Car“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”
Car“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
Humor