“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
Car
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
BirthdayAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
Pet“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
God“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”
Life“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
Power“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
Birthday