“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Funny
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
PetAll Quotes by Steven Wright
“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”
Science“How young can you die of old age?”
Age“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
Legal“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
Time“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”
Car“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
Time“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”
Funny“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
Funny“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
Future“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
Time“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
Work“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”
God“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
Time“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
Funny“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”
Good“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Funny“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
Funny“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
Birthday“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”
Money