“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
MarriageAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope