“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
MarriageAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car