“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy
“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
BestAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Truth“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage