“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
TimeAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Truth“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car