“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
MarriageAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best