“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home
“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
PetAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Truth“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God