“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports
“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
SportsAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
Truth“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope