“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family
“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
TimeAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet