“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time
“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
HomeAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage