“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports
“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
MorningAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'”
God“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
Morning