“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
TimeAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Respect“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
Time“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”
Pet“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
Marriage“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Sports“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning