“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
Funny
“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
JealousyAll Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Car“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”
Pet“This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”
Morning“My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”
Jealousy“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
Medical“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
Good“A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
Home“I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”
Age“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
Men“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.”
Time“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”
Marriage“My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
Home“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”
Best“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”
Time“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Family“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
Funny“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
Marriage“At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.”
Hope“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Family