“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”
Design“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Birthday“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Courage“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'”
Time“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”
Life“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
Business“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”
Car“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Alone“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Car“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
Women“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”
Courage“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”
Society“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
Age“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
Car