“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Mom“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Mom“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Birthday“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
Humor“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Car“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Thanksgiving“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Humor“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Alone“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”
Society“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“Children make your life important.”
Life“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
Morning“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”
Car“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
Men“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”
Design“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”
Life