“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”
Medical“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”
Medical“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”
Humor“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Car“Children make your life important.”
Life“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Home“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
Courage“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'”
Time“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
Morning“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Courage“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”
Car“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Humor“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”
Life“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
Women“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Birthday“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”
Car“Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.”
Graduation“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car