“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
Car“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”
Car“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
Car“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”
Morning“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”
Design“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”
Dreams“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”
Life“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”
Car“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Medical“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
Women“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”
Family“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
Courage“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”
Car“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Alone“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
Men“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”
Medical“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”
Home“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
Age“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Humor