“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Thanksgiving“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
Courage“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Thanksgiving“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”
Home“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”
Family“Never order food in excess of your body weight.”
Food“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”
Life“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”
Car“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”
God“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”
Alone“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
Women“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
Men“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
Business“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Medical“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Mom“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.”
Success“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
Age“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”
Dreams“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car