“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Thanksgiving“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Home“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”
Home“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”
Women“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”
Car“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
Business“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.”
Courage“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Birthday“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Courage“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”
Design“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
Family“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Humor“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
Men“Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.”
Dreams“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Mom“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”
Family