“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.”
Home“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
Mom“Never order food in excess of your body weight.”
Food“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”
Sports“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”
Family“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”
Car“Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.”
Age“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”
Women“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”
Business“My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.”
Car“God created man, but I could do better.”
God“It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.”
Courage“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
Funny“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”
Car“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”
Birthday“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”
Society“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”
Thanksgiving“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”
Mom“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”
Humor“It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.”
Car“Children make your life important.”
Life