“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
Trust
“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
MoneyAll Quotes by W. C. Fields
“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
Time“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”
Success“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
Family“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”
Best“I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.”
Home“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
Great“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
Humor“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
Money“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”
Experience“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”
Women“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
Funny“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
Life“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
Food“I like children - fried.”
Funny“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
Food“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
Death“I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.”
Equality“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
Politics“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
Death