“I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home.”
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“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
FamilyAll Quotes by W. C. Fields
“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”
Politics“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
Funny“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
Time“A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”
Money“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
Great“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
Humor“It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.”
Money“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”
Family“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”
Food“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
Food“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
Death“Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.”
Women“Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.”
Best“No doubt exists that all women are crazy it's only a question of degree.”
Women“Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.”
Experience“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
Life“Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.”
Food“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”
Trust“I like children - fried.”
Funny