“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
BusinessAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
Amazing“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Great“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Business“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”
Funny“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
Good“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Morning“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Good“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Funny“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
Time“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Dating“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
Funny“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
Life“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
Dreams“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Funny