“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
Good
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
DatingAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
Life“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
Good“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Love“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
Dreams“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Good“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”
Funny“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
Amazing“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
Funny“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Car“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Dating“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Great“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Funny“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Morning