“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Car
“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
GreatAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
Good“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Love“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Business“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Dating“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
Amazing“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
Life“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Cool“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Good“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Funny“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Great“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
Time“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Funny“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
Good