“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
Life
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
GoodAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Dating“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
Time“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Cool“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
Good“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
Good“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Funny“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Great“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Good“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Business“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
Funny“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Funny“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Car“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Good