“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
Funny
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
Amazing“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Cool“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Car“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Good“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Good“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
Funny“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
Good“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
Dreams“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Funny“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”
Funny“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”
Dating“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Great“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Morning