“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”
Car
“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
LoveAll Quotes by Mitch Hedberg
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
Birthday“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
Funny“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Funny“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Business“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”
Work“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
Amazing“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Morning“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Love“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”
Life“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
Time“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
Good“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Funny“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
Food“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
Time“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”
Dreams“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
Good“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”
Funny“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
Funny“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Cool