Mitch Hedberg

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

— Mitch Hedberg