Joan Rivers

“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”

— Joan Rivers

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”

— Joan Rivers

“Never floss with a stranger.”

— Joan Rivers

“I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.”

— Joan Rivers

“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”

— Joan Rivers

“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”

— Joan Rivers

“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”

— Joan Rivers

“Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.”

— Joan Rivers

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”

— Joan Rivers

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

— Joan Rivers

“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”

— Joan Rivers

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Joan Rivers

“I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.”

— Joan Rivers

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

— Joan Rivers

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

— Joan Rivers

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”

— Joan Rivers

“Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”

— Joan Rivers

“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”

— Joan Rivers

“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

— Joan Rivers

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

— Joan Rivers