“Never floss with a stranger.”
Funny
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
HappinessAll Quotes by Joan Rivers
“Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”
God“What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.”
Work“She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.”
War“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”
Funny“Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.”
Good“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”
Diet“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.”
God“Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.”
Respect“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”
Fitness“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
Funny“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
Best“I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.”
Business“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
Funny“Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.”
Food“I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
God“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”
God“The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.”
Beauty“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
Happiness“Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”
History