“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
Funny“Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.”
Food“Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”
Funny“Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think - in a deeper voice.”
Women“The heart of marriage is memories and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.”
Anniversary“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Humor“I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal.”
Education“A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.”
Parenting“Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.”
Love“I don't have a problem believing in God and Jesus. But in Genesis one has to wonder about these sentences that just go on and end without finishing. The thought is unfinished. Where did Adam go? What is he doing? Hello? There has to be some pages missing.”
God“Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.”
Peace“The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet.”
Parenting“Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.”
Home“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”
Funny“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”
Humor“Every success story has a parent who says, 'over my dead body.' Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, 'you know I worry about you sometimes.'”
Success“If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.”
Faith“Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.”
Education“Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.”
Music“Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.”
Work“Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.”
Hope“I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.”
Love