“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
God
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
FoodAll Quotes by Woody Allen
“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
Funny“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
Funny“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
God“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Money“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Good“To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
God“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
Funny“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
Death“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
God“Marriage is the death of hope.”
Death“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
Failure“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
Money“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
God“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
Car“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Death“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
Time“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
Home“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Education“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”
Peace