Woody Allen

Woody Allen

40 quotes

Woody Allen (b. 1935), an American filmmaker, writer and actor, shaped not only their field but the way we think and talk about change, purpose, and modern life. The range of their thinking — from Funny to God — speaks to an intellectual restlessness that shows in every quote. Explore 53 quotes by Woody Allen on subjects including Funny, God, Death, Nature, and Good — each one a window into a distinctive way of seeing the world. A favorite of many readers: "The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."

“Marriage is the death of hope.”

— Woody Allen

Death

All Quotes by Woody Allen

“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”

— Woody Allen

Nature

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

— Woody Allen

Funny

“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

— Woody Allen

God

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

— Woody Allen

Success

“Marriage is the death of hope.”

— Woody Allen

Death

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

— Woody Allen

Death

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

— Woody Allen

Peace

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

— Woody Allen

Life

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

— Woody Allen

Thankful

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

— Woody Allen

Good

“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”

— Woody Allen

Failure

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

— Woody Allen

Art

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

— Woody Allen

Education

“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”

— Woody Allen

Funny

“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

— Woody Allen

Money

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

— Woody Allen

Education

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”

— Woody Allen

Movies

“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”

— Woody Allen

Death

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”

— Woody Allen

Government

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

— Woody Allen

God