“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
Home
“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
DeathAll Quotes by Woody Allen
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
God“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
Nature“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Education“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Death“Marriage is the death of hope.”
Death“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
Failure“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
Money“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Good“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”
Food“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
Time“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Success“To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
God“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
God“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
Funny“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Work“I am two with nature.”
Nature“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Art“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
God“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
Funny