“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
Experience
“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
CarAll Quotes by Woody Allen
“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
God“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
Funny“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
Food“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Art“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Success“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
Funny“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Money“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
Great“Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.”
Nature“As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”
God“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
Death“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Work“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”
Government“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
Thankful“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
Change“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
Funny“To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
God“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”
Time“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
Death