“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Good
“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Woody Allen
“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
Funny“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”
Art“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”
Education“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Success“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”
Funny“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
God“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”
Movies“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
Death“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.”
God“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
Change“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Death“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
God“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”
Food“If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.”
Failure“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
Car“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”
Education“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
Food“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”
Government“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Death