“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”
Funny
“On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .”
DeathAll Quotes by Woody Allen
“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”
Experience“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”
Car“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”
Food“To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
God“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”
Funny“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”
Death“Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”
Money“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”
Funny“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”
Good“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Money“Marriage is the death of hope.”
Death“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”
God“I am two with nature.”
Nature“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.”
Government“It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.”
Death“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
Home“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”
Success“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
Change“I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!”
Great