“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
Money
“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
TimeAll Quotes by Phyllis Diller
“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
Thanksgiving“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”
Wedding“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Anger“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
Home“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
Time“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”
Beauty“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
Anger“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
Age“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
Funny“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Teacher“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”
Funny“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Christmas“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
Women“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”
Work“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
Best“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
Men“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
Age“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Smile“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
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