“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Christmas
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
MenAll Quotes by Phyllis Diller
“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
Age“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”
Wedding“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”
Funny“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
Men“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Teacher“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Anger“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”
Work“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
Women“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
Money“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
Age“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
Home“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Smile“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”
Beauty“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
Thanksgiving“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”
Time“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
Funny“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
Home“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”
Best“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
Anger