“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”
Funny
“That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.”
ChristmasAll Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”
Family“To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.”
Life“When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.”
Business“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”
Funny“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
Amazing“The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.”
Car“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
Funny“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”
Birthday“There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'”
Women“That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.”
Christmas“I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”
Funny“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”
God“The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.”
Truth“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”
Marriage“Men want to make women happy.”
Women“Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.”
Death“I love being a dad. I just love it.”
Dad“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”
Anger