“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
Teacher
“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
MedicalAll Quotes by Henny Youngman
“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
Car“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Anniversary“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Marriage“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
Money“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
Travel“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
Christmas“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”
Women“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
Marriage“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
Anniversary“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
Medical“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
Graduation“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
Great“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
Home“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?”
Dad“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”
Car“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
Happiness“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Funny“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
Funny