“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
Great
“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
TeacherAll Quotes by Henny Youngman
“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
Anniversary“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Funny“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
Happiness“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?”
Dad“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
Home“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
Car“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Marriage“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”
Car“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
Medical“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”
Women“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
Graduation“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
Teacher“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
Christmas“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
Funny“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
Marriage“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
Travel“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Anniversary“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
Money