“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”
Funny
“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
GraduationAll Quotes by Henny Youngman
“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”
Women“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
Anniversary“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”
Money“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”
Christmas“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”
Marriage“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
Home“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
Funny“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”
Medical“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”
Graduation“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?”
Dad“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”
Great“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”
Car“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”
Car“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”
Teacher“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”
Happiness“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”
Marriage“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”
Anniversary“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”
Travel