“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Time
“I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!”
TrustAll Quotes by Demetri Martin
“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”
Hope“Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.”
Romantic“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”
Funny“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”
Freedom“I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”
Government“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
Car“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'”
Hope“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.”
Morning“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”
Politics“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Good“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
Cool“I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.”
Love“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Time“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'”
Home“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
Funny“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”
Dreams“And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”
Money“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Funny“I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!”
Trust