“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'”
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“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
FunnyAll Quotes by Demetri Martin
“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
Funny“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'”
Hope“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
Cool“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Time“Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.”
Romantic“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.”
Birthday“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”
Dreams“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Good“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”
Alone“I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”
Government“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'”
Alone“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”
Funny“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”
Funny“I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”
Funny“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”
Politics“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.”
Morning“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
Car“I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!”
Trust“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”
Funny