“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”
Politics
“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
FunnyAll Quotes by Demetri Martin
“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”
Funny“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'”
Hope“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”
Alone“I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”
Funny“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.”
Morning“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
Car“I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”
Government“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”
Hope“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
Funny“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”
Dreams“I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!”
Trust“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”
Funny“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”
Funny“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Good“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'”
Home“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”
Freedom“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Time“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
Funny“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
Cool