“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'”
Cool
“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.”
CarAll Quotes by Demetri Martin
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”
Time“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”
Funny“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
Good“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”
Politics“I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”
Funny“I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.”
Love“And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”
Money“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”
Freedom“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”
Funny“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”
Hope“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”
Funny“If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!”
Funny“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'”
Alone“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”
Dreams“I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”
Food“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”
Time“Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable that's survival.”
Romantic“I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!”
Trust“I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.”
Government