Dennis Miller

“What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.”

— Dennis Miller

“I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.”

— Dennis Miller

“Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.”

— Dennis Miller

“I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.”

— Dennis Miller

“I rant, therefore I am.”

— Dennis Miller

“The death penalty is becoming a way of life in this country.”

— Dennis Miller

“I didn't know my Dad - he moved out early. And my mom's politics were kind of hardscrabble. She didn't think about Democrats or Republicans. She thought about who made sense. I've been both in my life.”

— Dennis Miller

“Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.”

— Dennis Miller

“Just put down 9/11... I think, on most things I'm liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I'm kind of conservative on.”

— Dennis Miller

“You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R.”

— Dennis Miller

“Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.”

— Dennis Miller

“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”

— Dennis Miller

“The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.”

— Dennis Miller

“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”

— Dennis Miller