“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
Sports“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”
Religion“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”
Sports“Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.”
Great“Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.”
Knowledge“Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.”
Art“Who never doubted, never half believed. Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.”
Truth“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”
Good“Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.”
Women“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.”
Hope“A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.”
Failure“Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.”
Success“To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.”
Positive“Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.”
Education“In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.”
Government“Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.”
Death“Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.”
Happiness“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.”
Patience“Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.”
Time“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”
Patriotism“Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.”
Marriage“Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.”
Art